I Did This To Myself

I was reflecting on my past relationships with a co-worker one day after reading one of Blah's blogs about loving someone that dosen't love you, and it made me think about all of the females that I have wronged in my life.
I have always been blessed to have good quality women in my corner when it comes to relationships, dont get me wrong I have had my share of skeezers,weirdos,chicken-heads, and just your avereage run of the mill stank ass hoes but those were just to serve one purpose only. When it comes time for a relationship there is usually a quality woman there ready and willing to be a part on my life, if I am not reluctant to let her do so.

I said all of that to get to this story...this happened during my college years and really affected me in ways that I was not aware of until recently.

When I went into college I had no intentions of getting into a serious relationship, afterall I was on the basketball team (even though I wasnt going to see much court time I could still pull all of the second tier chicks that the real ballers didn't want, and I had planned to fully take advantage of my new social position)..little did I know that I would meet this beautiful, smart, gorgeous, sweet, sexy, coke bottle shaped, young lady (we'll call her....The Preacher's Daughter or PD)it was LOVE at first sight, my jaw dropped when I saw her... I remember it like it was yesterday...she was standing on the opposite side of a fence by her dorm, I was walking with my man Big D who was in the band and had already been at school for a week..Big D says "Hey PD what's up"....I immediately grabbed this African around the neck and started the interrogation "Who is she" "Where is she from" "Can I be her baby daddy" the whole nine...He proceeds to answer all of my questions, tells me she is in the band with him and then tells me I am on my own if I want to holla at her... (Insert dramatic music here) this is supposed to be my boy and he is leaving me hanging like this...truth be told he already knew PD, he knew what she was about, and knew she did not need to be talking to my sorry ass. Never the less I did convince him to at least introduce me to her which he did, and the Donkey took over from there, somehow I talked her in to going out with me on the very next night,as long as we took my man Big D, and 3 of her friends who were some big homely chicks and I drove a Geo Storm...but I pulled it off some kind of way. Long story short...we went out (I hit it the next day) and ended up starting a relationship with her, I ended up falling DEEPLY in love with PD everyone knew it. I was a changed man, she had me in church, in the choir, and I had my Donkey in check for one of the first times in my life... but the sun don't shine forever......

Basketball season starts, the ladies are starting to notice your boy a little more, and the obvious happens... my "friends" on the team started tellin me how crazy I was to be locked down to one woman and that I should be out trying to gather all of the "scattered ass" that I could while the geting was good...I knew I couldn't hurt PD no more than I already had, and I wanted to do the "right" thing, so My Stupid Ass decides to break it off with her....

1inthesame: "PD you know I love you.. but I have reached a point where I am not sure what I want and I think we should take some time apart"..

PD: "I thought things were good between us please don't do this I can't handle this right now I need you"

1: "PD please dont make this any harder than it has to be, we need this time apart"

(to this day this was the hardest thing that I have ever done)
she continues to beg me not to do this to us...we talk for about 2 more hours, with her crying the entire time... I finally think I have her convinced we need time apart... I walk her back to her dorm...walk back to my dorm..take a nap..get up to get ready for practice...something tells me to call PD to check on her..her roomate "Project Pat" answers the phone..I ask Pat where PD is, she says, she is laying over here in the bed she has been passed out since I got in the room... I ask her to wake PD up....she comes back to the phone saying that she is really sleeping hard I cant wake her up...RED FLAGS !!!!!!!! PD is an extremely light sleeper, I tell Pat to STAY put until I get there,something is not right...I run across campus to her dorm..(at our school guys had to check in with the girls dorm proctor in order to go back to their room) I go check in with the proctor very frantically...I need to see PD ASAP...this fat bitch was on the phone and looked at me like I was crazy...I told her again I need to see PD ASAP...I still didn't get the desired response....so I jump over her desk and head back to PD's room...I start beating on the door hoping Pat will answer the door... no answer, by this time the proctors big butt has gotten off of the phone and is coming towards me with campus security..I tell her what I think is wrong, all the while she is telling Security about what I did...instead of going to check on PD they "usher" me back to the front to calm me down.... Proctor lady gets the message finally and trots back to unlock the door....I bust free from Campus cops and get to the door right as she is opening it.... PD is PASSED out COLD on the bed.... security comes and calls the ambulance to rush her to the hospital...Come to find out she has taken every form of medication that she has in her room and even went to buy more she had take over 20 kinds of medication !!! She arrived to the hospital in time to have her stomach pumped and she survived... after a couple of days in the hospital under the Doc's care and the watchful eye of her Mom, she was released to go home......

We never officially got back together after this suicide incident...during my "Jack Ass" phase she met some cat that was supposedly all into church and he made her forget about me...she married this bastard shortly thereafter and they are still married to this day, they have 3 kids, she has 2 jobs, he quit his job, started taking drugs, and will not let her leave him.. (I got all of this info from one of her friends that I ran into on one of my trips home).... I BLAME Myself for all of this....

Now I find myself staying in relationships that I dont want to be in because I am worried about the person trying to harm themselves due to me,I stay involved hoping that she'll get tired of me and the distance that I continue to put between us maybe she'll break it off with me. I did this to myself, I deserve it, I refuse to put myself through that again, who knows...maybe next time I'll ignore that something telling me to call,maybe next time I wont run over to check on her, maybe next time I'll be too late... I do know that it will be a blessing to be with woman that was as good to me as she was, a woman as sweet, kind, loving, and beautiful as she was... I know I did this to myself........1